I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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