Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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