I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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