just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
