I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
