Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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