When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
