Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
