dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
