I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
