I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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