so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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