hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
