I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We have so much sex to catch up on
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
