My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
It's never too late to be topless.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
