Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
