i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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