Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
