I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
