If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
