Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
