i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
