im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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