So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
