So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
