We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
