did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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