i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
