is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
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