What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize
