puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We left the knife in your bed.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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