i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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