I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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