my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
