Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
if only i could text you this smell
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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