Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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