Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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