I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
