K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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