i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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