This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
