I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
