Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Randomize
