new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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