I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Randomize
