the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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