you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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