Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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