I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
