you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
